freebird:

edit: jennx, nice job representing the board to the rest of the world. Aren't you supposed to be a mod or something?

i made fun of my own race you know, i'm a damn mutt. sorry for making fun of myself.

Why are there no good jokes about Jonestown? Because the punchline's too long.

Don't hate.

cassadyisfixed:

Why are there no good jokes about Jonestown? Because the punchline's too long.

Don't hate.

i loved that

cassadyisfixed:

Why are there no good jokes about Jonestown? Because the punchline's too long.

Don't hate.

Haha for five minutes I was thinking that Jonestown was a guy that everyone hated and was in line to punch... punch... line... oops. Then I remembered the cult stuff. Youthful ignorance.

More cult jokes...
This time Heaven's Gate.

We've recently learned that many of the men of the Heaven's Gate suicide
community had been castrated. Apparently there weren't as many nuts in
that mansion as we originally thought....

--------------------------------------------------------

[Pep rally at a secret compound in Rancho Santa Fe]

Followers: Real soon!

^^Took me awhile to understand that, or maybe I still don't understand.

i like the buddhist one. And in light of the recent thrashings, a PC joke.

what do you call a gay pilot?

a pilot, you homophobe!

krystenr:

WOMEN'S RIGHTS

shit you are quick...

How do you kill a bear with a pocket knife?

Shoot the bear with your gun before he stabs you with his pocket knife.

aight so basically theres this penguin, and he is driving his big rig through the scorching desert. Unfortunately for him, his truck runs into mechanical problems and pengy (hella tarck) is forced to pull over to get repairs - thankfully he is able to make it to the only gas station in a hundred miles. So pengy goes in and tells the mechanic that he has some engine troubles and needs it fixed, the mechanic is like OK COOL, we can do that.

Keep in mind that the desert is not pengy's natural habitat - so the mechanic says to pengy, "Hey if you get hot feel free to sit and wait in the freezer behind the convenience store counter."

Pengy is relieved to hear this and quickly waddles into the freezer. Pengy is also pretty hungry and he notices a bunch of ice cream sandwiches on the shelf - pengy loves ice cream! He plops his butt on the ground and gets to work on some sandwiches. too bad for pengy he doesnt have fingers, because eating ice cream sandwiches with flippers is really shitty. Pengy is making a mess. Without real hands he can't really be neat so he has to sort of smash the sandwiches into his mouth with out much regard to cleanliness. After going through a dozen sandwiches pengy is pretty exhausted and he drops his flippers to his side, face and hands covered in ice cream. Just then the mechanic comes out from the shop and pops his head in the freezer.

"Welp, looks like you blew a seal!"

-----

This guy is sunbathing naked on the beach with just his cap over his dick when a women passed by and said "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat to a lady".

He replied "If you wasn't so fucking ugly it would lift itself".

-----

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

-----

There's a man with no arms and no legs at a bus stop, a bus pulls up and the driver leans out and says "How're you gettin' on, mate?"

-----

A boy sits down in the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl"
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?'
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. You've sinned and have to atone, however. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself!"
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Dominic slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads!"

I've got a ton more!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.
She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

-----

A hipster walks into a bar.
He says, "This place sucks. It's full of hipsters!"

-----

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small English countryside pub. The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he replies, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oooooooh Albert, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting at the next table listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to
the back of the pub and make their way to the fence. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching Bobby has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about 15 minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple passes, he says to them,
"That was something else! You must have been having sex for about 15 minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

-----

Why do people keep buying shampoo when they can have real poo?

-----

An American goes into an Irish bar.

The American says: "You people are always bragging about what great drinkers you are. I'll bet $500. that no one here can drink 10 Guinness one right after the other."

No one answers and one man leaves the pub.

Twenty minutes later the man comes back and asks if the bet is still on.

The American says that it is and the bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar. The Irishman drinks them down, one right after the other.

The American says: "That's amazing, but why didn't you accept the bet 20 minutes ago?"

The Irishman says: "Because I had to go to the pub down the street and prove to myself that I could do it."

-----

Q: What has anal sex got in common with spinach?
A: If you were forced to have it as a child, chances are you won't like it as an adult.

hahahahahaha

BLEW A SEAL!

beautiful!

is tepr kevin? i'm kevin...

I would hate to have such a common name. Srsly.

bschultz:

Good ones, Kevin. If those are all straight-up recall I'm impressed!

I keep a ton of jokes on my computer for good measure.

Kevin's a pretty tight name. In my high school class (390) there were 7 or 8.

tepr:

bschultz:

Good ones, Kevin. If those are all straight-up recall I'm impressed!

I keep a ton of jokes on my computer for good measure.

Kevin's a pretty tight name. In my high school class (390) there were 7 or 8.

we rocked with three out of 150.

did you hear about the circus fire? it was in tents!

in the tents? when did this happen? where?

There are three men sitting around a campfire. One is a texan, one is a Californian, and one is an Oregonian. The texan pulls out a pint of whiskey, takes a swig, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots it before it hits the ground. He says: "Dont' worry about it, we got plenty of whiskey in Texas." The Californian pulls out a bottle of wine, takes a drink, throws it up into the air and shoots it before it hits the ground. He says: "don't worry about it, we've got plenty of wine in California." The Oregonian pulls out a micro brew, drinks the whole bottle, throws it in the air and shoots the Californian before the bottle hits the ground. He says: "Don't worry about it, we got plenty of Californians in Oregon."

bschultz:

^^^Sometimes I feel as if I'm wearing a bullseye...

me too

The Chinaman and The Black Bartender.

*Contains Racism*

So theres this Black Bartender, nothing special, just making a few drinks and shit like that. So this asian guy walks in and says "Hey! They let you niggers work here?!" and the bartender just looks at him, then the asian guy sits at the bar. Then he says "Hey nigger give me a beer!" So the bartender gives him a beer and says "sir I'm gonna have to ask you not to say that". So then he orders another beer "Hey Nigger give me a beer" bartender gives him a beer and says "Please sir for the last time stop saying that word. And then he orders another beer "Hey nigger give me a beer!" then the bartender gets angry "Alright thats it! How would you feel if I called you a chink!? Here switch places! Hey chink! Give me a beer!. And the chinaman says "I'm sorry sir we don't serve your kind"

ArielD:

There are three men sitting around a campfire. One is a texan, one is a Californian, and one is an Oregonian. The texan pulls out a pint of whiskey, takes a swig, throws the bottle into the air, pulls out a gun and shoots it before it hits the ground. He says: "Dont' worry about it, we got plenty of whiskey in Texas." The Californian pulls out a bottle of wine, takes a drink, throws it up into the air and shoots it before it hits the ground. He says: "don't worry about it, we've got plenty of wine in California." The Oregonian pulls out a micro brew, drinks the whole bottle, throws it in the air and shoots the Californian before the bottle hits the ground. He says: "Don't worry about it, we got plenty of Californians in Oregon."

I award you 6 LULZ for your totally hilarious joke.

oh my

a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer, and a mop

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, it's a pretty obscure number. You probably haven't heard of it.